I Surrender! I Take It Back!

When I was a new mother of a single baby, I did not immediately surrender to motherhood. I especially did not surrender to homemaking. But as time went by and I had two additional babies (eventually, three children under five), I did. I was a mother and a homemaker, and I came close to embracing that role in my life as well as in at least one holiday letter sent out to friends and relatives. My relationship with housework has always been rough, but I do accept it as my responsibility, currently, although I do expect some help (and I don't do laundry).

But now I'm wanting to take a little back, to find a little ambition and figure out what to do with it. The first step is to permanently give up any thoughts of having any more babies. I know we're done, I really do, and there are plenty of good reasons not to have any more babies, but I still find it hard to state definitively that this is it. Nobody I tell believes me.

The second step may be to figure out which ambition to follow. Should I try to save the world? Should I try to write that bestselling historical novel? I have enviable leisure to figure that out; well maybe not leisure, exactly, but I don't have to work for a living, currently; I just have to take care of a house and three kids.

My biggest problem? I feel like my creativity is stuck, and I don't know how to crack it open. I think that my calling is to write. I am a published technical writer, but that, I'm almost sure is not my calling. I love to read. Lately my reading list has been a bit bland -- books about homeschooling, homemaking, and chick lit, mostly. But I'm a historical fiction nut. I love A Midwife's Tale, by Laurel Ulrich. I read fantasy: Judith Tarr, Ursula Le Guin, Shari Tepper, Anne McCaffrey. I like mysteries, but of all the genre's I read, I'd be surprised if I ever wrote mysteries. But where do I find the stories? I don't seem to have them. Maybe a scene here or there, but no complete story arcs. Maybe non-fiction is a better bet for me?

And then there's this baggage from my last worthwhile endeavor -- that is, being a mother to young kids. I still have those kids, and I'm still committed to giving them the best childhood that I can. It's just that I want to find a little something meaningful for myself, too. I'm petrified, that I'll look up in fifteen years and wonder what I thought I was doing with all that time. I recently listened to an interview with a homeschooling mother of one, whose life still seems to center around homeschooling -- her only daughter is 28! I don't want to send my boys to school, but I recognize that I'm afraid of the work of finding and following through with an alternative. There is an alternative school within commuting distance, but I'd have to work to pay the tuition. We have a relaxed lifestyle at home now, and that would change if we went that route.

And somewhere in there is finding some time for this new ambition. Although it's true that my kids are less work than when they were 0, 2, and 4 (they must be, right?), I find it hard to actually find that time in my day. Apart from creating and cleaning up three meals a day, plus snacks, plus keeping the house in acceptable shape, not to mention answering a hundred questions an hour with a smile on my face, there are plenty of family-type projects to work on, from photo albums to family movies to family room shades. And I've always struggled with routines -- I think I want one, I may even spend time creating one on paper, yet they never last for long. Yet I think that is what I need to carve out time for me.

Part of me is ready to jump right in, but another part of me thinks I need to educate myself first. I don't know enough to be able to write like Diana Gabaldon. And even though J. K. Rowling gets plenty of criticism, she seems to know plenty of history, mythology, and literature. Natalie Goldberg says to be specific: not just tree, but sycamore. I don't know anything about trees! But how to get there? What the heck did I do for nineteen years of school?! I think it has to be independent study, but I wish I had a way to make myself accountable for it.

But that is the beginning of my plan: 1) Read. Read more widely. Read things that are difficult. Think about and form opionions about what I read. 2) Write. Attempt to write fiction. If scenes are all I have, then just write scenes.

Sewing t-shirts

We've been bleeding money lately (new hot water heater, new tires and brakes, and too many other things), and I need some t's and have some fabric, so I'm making shirts. Burda 3197 is my basic pattern, but I'm looking for options so that they don't all look alike. I've searched for a page, and I'm sure it's out there, but I haven't found it, so this is a compilation of what I have found on methods to vary a t-shirt pattern:

This is a page on making a t-shirt:

http://www.timmelfabrics.com/perfecttshirt.htm
http://www.timmelfabrics.com/knitslessontwo.htm

A video on binding a neckline:

http://www.taunton.com/threads/pages/tvt044.asp

An article from Threads on sewing Ts:

http://www.taunton.com/threads/pages/t00161.asp

A pattern for a twist top:

http://rowena.typepad.com/rostitchery/2006/05/twist_top_with_.html

My first shirt has a double front, and I'm struggling with it! The fabric is pink silky rayon/cotton/lycra jersey. The directions I'm using for the lining are here:

http://www.timmelfabrics.com/liningateeshirt.htm

I just bought a shirt with a peasant neckline. The fabric is a slightly stretchy jersey. The neckline is simply serged and hemmed, with some elastic inside theres a bound notch in the front (a little v) and a tie at the top of the notch. I might try to recreate it.

Educational Labeling

There's a lively discussion at Twisty's about gifted education. I have thoughts that I thought I'd written about, but I can't find them, so here goes.

One of my biggest concerns about institutional education, especially at primary school age, is labeling. There's the clearly harmful labeling children as slow. I find this particularly troublesome at young ages because children mature differently, read at different ages, grasp ideas that someone has decided are important at different ages. Often, the labels stay with them even as they outgrow any issues. Whether or not they outgrow problems, whether or not the problems have any relevance to their adult life (and I think this is key), the harm is done. I'm sure in most cases the label stays with them internally, inhibiting their success. For instance, an acquaintance of mine’s husband makes a fine living doing plastering. Yet when people who knew him in school hear my friend married him, they’re surprised, because he was such a loser (in their eyes). Well, he’s not now, and I’m sure he’s not an isolated example. But I’m also sure there are many people who don’t manage to overcome their early labels, despite their actual abilities.

Then there's the so-called helpful labeling: Gifted or GT, or whatever they call it where you are. Being Gifted often gets you more interesting teachers, more interesting classes, more interesting projects. Nothing wrong with that -- although I strongly believe that all kids should get those things. Sometimes it just gets you more work that you’re not particularly interested in. It also often gives kids a feeling of entitlement – I am smart, therefore I get special treatment; clearly I will succeed at life like I’ve succeeded at school.

In an academic setting, Gifted generally means being good at skills that are valued in an academic setting. People who are good at other skills do not get the same treatment. Academic skills have little bearing on success in life (labels, on the other hand, may have all too much bearing on success in life). Only a few careers need academic skills, yet students labeled Gifted in school may easily go on to expect easy success. Many Gifted kids don't have to work that hard at academics, but in the real world, success nearly always requires hard work. The gifted label doesn't get you there -- not even close. Another example – a very smart friend in high school who understood physics without apparent effort. He never took notes and never did homework and was in general a goof off. He also had a drug problem. Being gifted was not going to get him far in the real world, and I’ve often wondered what happened to him.

For me this is all tied in to the issue of praise that recently got so much press. The idea of too much praise for the wrong aspects of performance resonated strongly with me. And being promoted and given special treatment for being gifted rewards aptitude rather than effort.

What would I like to see? Education that can play to each students’ strengths, while providing them the necessary basics in the least disagreeable way – preferably in a context that makes the topic relevant to each student. At the elementary level that means somehow avoiding labeling – either overt or implicit (and to be honest, I think this is next to impossible). All students should have access to interesting electives. Students can learn the basics through subjects that interest them. Newsweek’s list of best high schools rates high schools according to the ratio of AP and IB tests taken divided by the number of graduating seniors – I am sold on the idea of opening upper level classes to all students, and letting each student get as much out of a class as they can.



(If you like the Newsweek articles on the best high schools, you should also read this.)

Software and Online Games Day

Today the kids were on a math kick. My five-year old wanted to try Funbrain's Math Arcade, so we did it together. My seven-year old also did some. He's choking right now on extra tens -- for instance if he knows 7+2, then 17+2 should be easy. Not so much. I think we'll look at a hundred's chart to see if that helps. P is also really enjoying Timez Attack. It helps that I don't care whether or not he learns multiplication in first grade!

We've also enjoyed Study Dog for early reading skills.

Ambleside Update

As we're nearing the end of the traditional school year I thought I'd do an update on how we're doing with first grade. I posted some of my modifications to make the curriculum less religious here. We've continued to use Ambleside Year 1 loosely, and enjoy it. We dropped Aesop's Fables a while ago, but I've tried to substitute tales with morals, although finding as many would have been difficult (and unnecessary, in my opinion)! We liked Pinduli by Janell Cannon, the two Owen and Mzee stories, and also The Quiltmaker's Gift.

We misplaced Tree in the Trail in the middle of reading it, and then the Advisory moved it to next year, so we dropped it and are not currently doing Seabird for the third term. We read Paddle to the Sea in the first term and ended up liking it, although it was tough going for a little while. I try to pull out a map occasionally if something geographical comes up.

We have followed the American (biographies of revolutionaries) and World History (European, mostly British Dark Ages), and History Tales closely. We have added some history, since this is a subject P particularly enjoys. We read some Story of the World (Vols 1 and 2), Diane Stanley's story of Joan of Arc (she is a good children's-level biographer to look for, and is writing currently). I really liked Phillip Steele's Castles book, and usually I don't like factoid books. The Nova documentary called Sieges, which was about building trebuchets, was enjoyed.

We have also enjoyed the Natural History readings (Herriot and Burgess), and the Just So Stories. I've substituted for many of the fairy tales, but I think we've done about the same amount as recommended, maybe more. Shakespeare has not been overly successful, but I'll continue to do some exposure to it. I think I'll try the Bruce Coville adaptations.

I've not yet been overly successful with Nature Study, but I've made an effort to include other science -- simple machines (edhead website, Bill Nye video), human reproduction (It's So Amazing), flight (Wright Brothers video, Air and Space Museum and Center), engineering ( Javier Builds a Bridge), stories of whales (Grayson, and Symphony of Whales, both excellent although very different levels, Mystic Aquarium), Boston Science Museum, a mini unit on the Galapagos, and some other stuff here and there.

I read poetry during occasional teatimes from a number of sources: A. A. Milne, the Barefoot Book of Poetry, Robert Frost, and others. I consider this exposure only! We also looked at some art by Turner and Winslow Homer, listened to Music by Copeland, Schumann, and Mozart, and listened also to Mr. Bach Comes to Call. I wouldn't say any of these things sunk very deeply into any of the boys, but perhaps time will prove me wrong! Most of their exposure to classical music comes from the TV show Little Einstein's -- the radio will be on and they'll tell me "this song is called Little Einstein's!"

We are still in the middle of the third term. Since we started in August, I guess that makes us year round homeschoolers! I like the Living Math approach to math, but we also use Singapore. Cyberchase is an important part of our math curriculum! Recently P's been playing a lot of Timez Attack, which is free multiplication tables software. For reading we've been buddy reading Level 3 I Can Read titles. Recently we buddy read the first chapter or so of a Harry Potter book. He was eager to try it, but it's a bit beyond him, really. I think it's hard for the ideas to stick when he's working so hard to read it. I'm hoping he'll go for buddy reading The Sword in the Tree, especially since he seems to like Arthurian stories. I'm very happy with his reading level. We're working with Handwriting Without Tears for handwriting. I'd like him to master lowercase, but he's not quite there. I'm trying to insist of some practice (a few minutes three times a week) but not stress about it. I'm sure he'll do better as his hand-eye coordination improves with age.

Well, we've actually done even more than that, and I consider myself a pretty relaxed homeschooler! I guess I didn't realize that it would look like so much. I don't follow a strict schedule. I use the 12 week term printouts, and check off work as we do it. Non-reading list work (math, handwriting) can get pretty irregular depending on what other learning I see going on. For instance, if there's tons of drawing going on, and pushback on handwriting, I don't push it. Likewise if he's enjoying math related computer games, then I don't push the math book.

I'd like to add Spanish (which I don't speak), but I haven't seen any material that I think would be a good enough fit. I'm also not sure that I can fit it in on a regular basis -- might work if they like it enough! I'm very happy with the Charlotte Mason approach and the Ambleside suggested books. For next year I'm considering using some of the other Charlotte Mason book lists for additional inspiration, but I imagine continuing in the same vein.

I also have a kindergartner next year. I unschooled P for kindergarten -- not sure what approach I'll take with M.

Kombucha

Just this week I started my first batch of Kombucha tea. I bought my scoby from Anahata Balance. I have high hopes for it -- mostly I'd like it to help my fatigue (caused no doubt, by my low thyroid function). But heck, if it makes my grey hairs brown again and improves my immunity, so be it. Fall will be the real test -- I generally get cold after cold in the fall. I'm also looking for a remedy for my five-year old's heartburn and headaches. We'll start slow. I have two friends that are interested in brewing it also, so I'll be sharing scobys with them in the next few weeks, if all goes well.

Homemaker Blues

With a milestone birthday just past I find myself falling prey to the Homemaker Blues. I have been fortunate in my life to be thought mildly exceptional-- bright, talented, going places. I've done a few interesting things, and gone to two top colleges/universities. Now, however, I find myself living a remarkably ordinary life. Quite privileged, but ordinary nonetheless. I even felt that being a mother of young children was quite a special calling. But now my youngest is three and nearly potty trained I no longer feel that I can claim that. So I see two paths -- be content with ordinary, or become exceptional again. This simple conclusion came to me in church today (or perhaps came to me again -- it feels familiar, and certainly not original). My thoughts in the last few months have tended to the exceptional path, but I think being content with an ordinary life is the quicker path to contentment.

Exploring Heat

We spent yesterday morning exploring heat and cold. I used the ideas and question (only a page) from the Playful Learning book that LLL puts out. We talked about heat not being visible, and a little about conductivity. I put a potato in the oven and pennies in the freezer. I mentioned that people used to use warm potatoes to keep their hands warm. We noticed that the penny got warm in our hands and our hands got cold. We held ice cubes with a mittened hand and a bare hand. One of the more interesting (at least, to me) activities was wrapping up a container of ice in a blanket, and leaving another container next to it not wrapped up, and observing the results an hour or so later. My seven year-old thought a blanket could only keep things warm. We talked about friction. And lastly, we put food coloring in cold and warm water -- I thought this would be cool, but in fact we saw very little difference between the behavior in different temperatures. But my kids sure liked the colored water! And just for kicks, I demonstrated siphoning for my seven year-old.

Feeding kids

I feel like I made a mistake -- maybe years ago. My kids like mac and cheese and chicken nuggets, oh, and McDonalds, and not much else. The mac and cheese in Annies, and the Chicken Nuggets are Trader Joe's, so I feel a little superior about their tastes, but I still feel I've failed. Oh, and to further justify myself I could tell you how many meals a week include none of those three foods, but why bother? They're all a little different in their willingness to eat different foods, but the most interesting fact about that is that my pickiest eater has also been my healthiest child.

Personally, I like good food. I tend toward vegetarian options, but not always. I like good ingredients and yummy meals. I enjoy few of the meals that my kids also enjoy, but as the mom, I have to make three meals a day. So cooking good food that my kids dis can really be a downer.

I'm tempted to try to go go cold turkey on processed food, but I'm not sure that sure that's realistic for any of us. I think I would have to work pretty hard to come up with food they would like, and there would be a lot of failures. And I think they would feel that I'm being mean. And grandma, who has them once a week, would never agree (you should have heard her justifications when I asked her to limit them to three hours of screen time when they're at her house).

So I try to steer a middle ground -- offering new food, trying to limit processed options, and, importantly, trying to note successes, even if only to myself. And although I continue to look for the perfect cookbook (the one that will actually make dinner), I realize that I probably don't need yet another cookbook, especially with all the internet recipes available.

So let me know what works for you. Any suggestions for family friendly, quick to prepare, healthy foods for kids who've tasted the dark side?

Here are some recipe sites I'm going to try:
http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/recipes/list_kids.html
http://familyfun.go.com/recipes/kids/

3 X R = Boring

My experience with homeschooling so far has led me to strongly doubt that any "Back to Basics" approach is going to educate kids. Granted, teachers have more luck with boring drills than parents do, but pul-eeze, where's the hook? Give kids material that is interesting and relevant, and they'll learn to read, they'll learn history, they'll learn about the world around them, they'll learn science, and they'll learn math. Give them individual letters, words, and math problems, and they'll tune out -- wouldn't you?

I heard a recent NPR report on 12 year-olds who can't read, and I just wonder, how the heck are they stopping those kids from learning to read when they are 5, 6, 7, or 8? My guess is that they don't get to hear quality literature that makes them want to read, and there isn't reading material around that makes them interested in reading. And maybe other aspects of the atmosphere at home and at school don't encourage reading.

Right now (because I know my ideas are subject to change!) I believe in enriching the environment -- in reading quality stories of interest to the child (in our case I pick many, but not all, of them and may drop a reading if it isn't interesting to the student). For math, I'd love to find a project based curriculum, but the chance of any curriculum meshing with my son's particular interests are slight. So I look for opportunities (i.e. how many yous at 50 pounds would it take to equal a 600 pound hippo baby?)

Perhaps I got lucky, but I don't really know how my seven year-old learned to read. He can read though. Lately, I haven't been pushing him, although I did in the fall. Why would I? He reads at grade level. When he's ready, or when the right material appears (and I do work on that), he'll start reading books. Why make him dislike it by pushing it? I see no benefit to that at all. Certainly public education is not succeeding at creating a populace who loves to read, so I won't follow their failing model of reading x number of books a week.

Sick, sick, sick

All three boys are sick. What fun. The oldest has chickenpox. All three were exposed, but he's the only one with spots (he's had them for three days now). The middle son has an earache, a cough, and a fever, and the youngest has a cold-type thing that he's had for about a week. Oh, and my husband has a cold, too.

My mother-in-law is freaking out about chickenpox (I wouldn't have told her, but my husband did). That conversation went to the point of her asking if our oldest had had his other vaccinations. I think my husband may have lied to her, but I haven't seen the email so I take no responsibility for it.

Every so often I'm reminded that the many of the decisions that I've made with relative confidence are not the same ones that other people make. And my paradigm is just so different that it's hard to explain my choices. The possibility of convincing anyone that my choices are correct is small if they don't have a predisposition to agree; my best hope is to persuade them that I've made decisions in a thoughtful way, and that I've done research along the way. At least, I think that's the best I can hope for.

I'm not happy about having sick kids, but I stand fast on vaccinations. I think they are a mistake. They may have limited usefullness in areas with high mortality rates and high disease rates, but in my situation the risks far outweight the benefits. My kids can weather a bug -- brain damage and autoimmune diseases are harder to overcome, and affect quality of life in the long term.

Splitting Household Work

In response to Laura at 11D:

For the record, before I start, I do consider myself a liberal feminist! I work very part-time, so the house and family is my main job. I married a good guy, and agree that’s #1 in importance on the list of how to avoid getting stuck with all the drudgery when there are children in the picture. I’d say #2 is to have a division of labor, stick to it, and don’t nag the other about their work. My observation is that this is very difficult for some people!

At our house we have a fairly traditional distribution of the workload. He works all week (plus 2 part-time jobs as a firefighter and EMT). I take care of the kids, shopping, meals, money, and the cleaning and organizing inside the house. He takes care of the yard work (except gardening, which at our house is optional) and other outside work (gutters, etc.). He fixes stuff that he can fix, mounts things to the wall, etc. He generally handles the kids’ sports events on weekends. In addition to the fairly tradition breakdown of jobs, he folds all the laundry (often on Sundays, in front of the football game), and (sort of) takes care of one bathroom. We occasionally chip in on the other’s job. There are definitely things that don’t get done, or at least not as often as they probably should. My priority (and I think our priority) is a happy family life, and organizing closets comes second (or tenth). I crisis clean for guests, but I’m not generally in a panic about the state of the house. It’s undeniably lived in, but far from squalor. It’s our medium, and it wouldn’t fit everyone.

For better or worse tradition often exists because it worked in some way. We didn’t plan a traditional division of labor, but it works for us. Also, I believe that routine and a general understanding of who does what job leads to less nagging and stress. It may be that the lawn hasn’t been mowed for three weeks, but he knows it, and it’s not my job, so I try to keep my mouth shut about it. I certainly don’t want him telling me how to clean the house.

I think he does feel some stress at being responsible for the family income. When I was early in our pregnancy with our third and he was very unhappy at his job I said he could quit, we’d cancel the addition we planned to build (we had money saved for it), and I would get a job. He didn’t take me up on it. It was a limited time offer, as I wanted to be home with the baby. If he wanted to switch roles now, I would do my best to figure that out (the baby is two-and-a-half and doesn’t need Mama 24x7 anymore). I think having a parent with time for the house and the kids is a good lifestyle, and I’m willing to cut costs if necessary to keep it. If we get to the point where we aren’t willing to cut costs, then I’m willing to try to find more work – I hope it wouldn’t be full-time, though.

I do worry about what my sons will think about the traditional division of labor, so we try to mix it up every now and then. He can cook a meal, and I can mow the lawn or use a power tool and we do it occasionally. We want to show them that we are both capable of doing whatever needs to be done. I think in general we both believe that, and I hope that that attitude is picked up by the kids.

Can you save the world and care for a toddler?

What's the protocol of commenting on someone else's blog, but wanting the same text for my own? I don't know. Anyway, here's my response to this:

I don't pick up after my husband (much). And I don't hear my other at home friends complaining about that either. But the kid stuff is definitely done by the moms. In very few families would the childrearing look the same if there was a different woman in charge. It *is* hard to save the world with a toddler clinging to your leg. It's hard to manage a conference call with your two-year old getting closer and closer while calling out "I poopy!" Young and childless feminists need to hear:"It's the kids, stupid." But kids need some level of consistent care. Besides, although it's a lot of work, I'm the boss, and sometimes, it's kind of fun. How's that for not answering your question (why get married?)!

I'm not sure it's why I got married (it probably isn't), but I can't picture being a stay-at-home mom with only a small income and an even smaller "career" if I didn't have the commitment of marriage attaching me to the family salary earner. And I think he and I agree that although not perfect, this arrangement is pretty darn good.

Ambleside Online (Year 1) for non-Christians

I am enjoying the Ambleside Online curriculum (year 1), but I am a secular homeschooler, and I don't share the same moral and religious reasons for homeschooling as the creators and many of the users of AO, I find I have to approach the readings with a little caution. From the beginning, I decided not to do any Bible study. I will let UU Sunday School take care of that (and they are). I researched Trial and Triumph by Hannula, but decided not to use it for a few reasons: I would have had to buy it, as it is not one of the books available for free on the web; it is the history of Christian martyrs which makes the stories intense since every hero dies! Religion is important to history, but I prefer to let my children learn about history and religion through other sources.

Another AO1 resource which I am ambivalent about is Parables from Nature by Margaret Gatty. We read the first story, which has wonderful information about butterflies and a message about trusting that something good comes after death. It is not overtly Christian. The second story I have not yet read aloud. It has wonderful information about bees, but the message has to do with keeping to your station or position in life, and I am uncomfortable with that. I haven't read ahead any further to see what the other stories are like. I haven't included them in our personal schedule -- we may add a few as extras.

Aesop's fables also have moral messages, but I haven't found any of them contrary to my own views. Also, they are so short, that I can easily skim them as I'm settling down to read them aloud. I don't feel I need to prescreen.

Fairy tales can have moral messages, but they can easily be discussed in the context of how one character made choices, or felt pressured, or whatever. They needn't be taken as prescriptive. (Unlike the Gatty parables, which do feel as though they're preaching a universal truth.)

Incidentally, we loved the first fairy tale, Beauty and the Beast, but have been a little disapointed in the others we've read (Why the Sea is Salt, The Glass Slipper, Soria Moria, The Death of Koshchei the Deathless. I think I'll stick to the better known fairy tales for awhile, on the assumption that they are better known because they are better stories!

Those are the books from the Year 1 list that seem to have potentially unwelcome content and messages for non-Christians. I think the others have little Christian content (are the AO advisory board members laughing behind their hands at me?)

I haven't found a mailing list for Non-Christian/Secular AOers, but I'd be interested in other opinions.

Activities for Four Year-Olds

We had a tough week last week with two kids with high fevers and the third (the four year-old) pinging off the walls. I had a cold for a day, and the weather has been gloomy the last few days. With my six year-old sick and my four year-old not, I've been doing more with him and have had a chance to think about what I want his "preschool year" to look like.

My goal for him is to keep him busy and happy. My experience is that 4 year-old behavior can be very difficult to live with – why is this not written about more? I don’t find the twos to be very terrible at all, but four – yikes!! Mine are willful and easily frustrated, take a sudden dislike to doing things for themselves that they can do perfectly well (both of mine have suddenly wanted me to put on their shoes, a skill which they were proud of half a year before). Mine has quite a temper, and often hits when he gets frustrated. He cries easily, and holds onto his hurt feelings for awhile. And he seems not to hear me asking for different behavior so that we can fix a situation that is going rapidly downhill, so suddenly a small problem becomes a big incident (obviously, this is a parenting issue also). He seems uncomfortable in his own skin sometimes – being four is hard for him, too, I think. So keeping him busy and proud of his abilities and accomplishments is an important part of improving his behavior.

I’d certainly like to play to his strengths and interests, which are different than his big brother’s. I think nature study will be a hit with him, and I’m not at all confident that it’s going to work as the science component of my six-year old’s homeschooling. He also is interested in animals, so the book lists from Sonlight, Winter Promise, and other places that focus on animals in the early years suddenly make sense for him, when they didn’t click for my oldest. I expect he’ll listen to some of the Ambleside readings I’m doing with my oldest – in fact, he might enjoy the Burgess and Herriot readings more than his big brother.

However, I have no interest in giving him busy work, even if I could persuade him to do it (which I doubt that I could). I certainly think that learning numbers and letters and beginning phonics is appropriate, but I hope to unschool them for this year at least, and have so far had some luck with that. Last week he found an old cell phone that will charge, but doesn’t have a service plan, and has been busy dialing numbers on that and working on connecting the name of the number with the shape of the numeral. We call daddy occasionally, and he has to dial lots of numbers for that (11 digits plus a three digit extension). Changing channels is another way for him to associate written numbers with their values – that is, if he can get the remote away from his big brother! I have another trick to teach number/letter recognition – I give them passwords on the computer. His is two letters right now, so I think he’ll know those fairly well, and I’ll change it in a month or so. I will look for opportunities to teach letters and letter sounds, but I am unlikely to look for formal preschool lessons in those areas. (I hesitate to say I won’t, because I recently reread some of my early thoughts on homeschooling, and I am not in 100% agreement with them now, so I want to leave wiggle room for my plans to change!)

So I’d like to strew materials around to engage him. Almost by chance we had a few good days recently with things that showed up, and things he asked for. They included:
 uncommon materials for free play: big boxes, plastic shelf liner 12' (this was a clear plastic sheet, 12’x12”
 tubes & marbles or balls (what fits & doesn't)
 painting with marbles
 cutting out shapes & patterns
But I’m looking for other twaddle-free ideas to strew or offer to him.

Here are some of my other ideas for activities this year:
 letter of the week ideas: i.e. posting one Jan Brett drawing a week
 write child's story (he tells it, I type or write it)
 preschool art (ideas from Maryanne Kohl’s book)
 talk about stories "I wonder . ..." what happens next, what a character felt, etc.
 observation & description of art, nature, life, etc.
 eric carle collage
 FIAR ideas (Five in a Row books, by Jane Claire Lambert)
 thematic reading (age appropriate books on a topic they're interested in) bugs, dinos, animals. See booklists from Paula’s homeschool site, Sonlight, Ambleside Online, Winter Promise, Five in a Row, and others
 cooking
 potholder weaving
 listen to music, classical, children’s, other
 numbers in context: how many forks do we need for the family, party, there are five of us, but two don’t want dessert
 Letters in context: today we looked at some in the car while we were waiting for Grandma – E is for Empty, F for Full, C for Cold, H for Hot.
 sewing: small change purse with fold over top, other
 lacing cards
 beading
 sorting: beads, money, buttons, etc.
 play with change: talk about 1,5,10, 25, etc
 look for & reproduce patterns
 notice shapes
 simple graphs

I’m sure that’s not all. I haven’t finished looking at the resources I have in the house, so I’m sure I’ll come up with more.

Additional ideas in comments are very welcome!

Thoughts about reading

We've had good and bad days since the last post. The kids were away for the long weekend (I joined them on Sunday). Tuesday and Wednesday did not go well – lots of yelling (me and the kids, who fought with each other). Even so, we did some of our reading. I also put P in a time out for not doing his reading lesson with me. I then apologized for yelling and said that I used to do the same thing – be miserable for hours about a task that would take fifteen minutes. Something about the whole ugly incident clicked with him (maybe just that he wanted to play) and he came down and did the lesson with me in under five minutes. Later in the week I had him read a picture book to me instead of doing the Really Reading lesson, and that went well. I think he feels a lot of pride about it – I overheard him say to his brother "Now that I can read . . . ."

When I think about it, phonics lessons seem like a good way to kill any joy of reading, and really don’t fit with my philosophy of learning from living books. So *I’ll* review the phonics rules so that we can go over them when it makes sense, and reading lessons will simply be reading practice. And I’ll have to think about how to approach it for the next son. Hmm, maybe a term of Sesame Street, followed by a term of Between the Lions, followed by real books!

Starting First Grade

I am solidifying homeschooling plans for the year. We sent our letter of intent to the school system, and received “permission” to homeschool in return. In our school system my oldest would be starting first grade, my second son is a year away from kindergarten, and my youngest son is two. Last year I bought Oak Meadow 1 for some structure for our kindergarten year, but I didn’t find it a good match for my family. The stories didn’t engage. The outline was useful, but I can get that for free! OM1 is headed for a new home, and the proceeds are being used for some new materials.

This year I’m very excited to be using AmblesideOnline Year 1. I know I’ve visited the site before but it didn’t click until a recent visit. I’ve looked at Sonlight over and over, and I want to like it (minus the evangelical material), but it’s expensive and never seemed to be a great fit. We recently finished the first Story of the World, and although I can supplement now, I think I’d have an argument on my hands if I suggested covering the same material again. I know there’s plenty more to learn about, but his feeling is that he’s already covered the period. So the time period of Ambleside year 1 is exactly right. The price is fabulous too. I’ve bought the Burgess book, the Comstock book, Paddle to the Sea, Just So Stories and a beautiful hardback of the recommended edition of Aesops Fables (on remainder). I download chapters from Fifty Famous Tales, An Island Story, and the fairy tales to my PDA, and we can read anywhere. I also bought Singapore math (just the workbooks) and I had Handwriting Without Tears from last year (although I really love italics – we may switch later). I’d say I’ve spent about $100.

I also looked at other Charlotte Mason sites, and will use them are resources for additional or substitute reading: Tanglewood Education, and Simply Charlotte Mason, particularly. SCM seems to cover Biblical history for four years of their six year cycle! TE doesn't push the Christian religious education, although I do think there are mentions of it on the site. Neither gave us as good a fit for this year as Ambleside.

We’re spending a little extra time on Rome right now – he likes Julius Caesar, so we found a biography at the library. We also got a video some general books about the Roman Empire with factoids and graphics. I was surprised but he really enjoyed the first fairy tale we read.

I really like the ease of the whole Ambleside/Charlotte Mason approach. I love literature-based learning. I don't have any doubts that this will work with my oldest son. He retains material he hears very well, and he seems to manage the sometimes difficult language, hopefully learning some vocabulary from the context. He's interested in what we're reading (with occasional exceptions). I want to use living books, and I'm very happy to find resources/book lists that mean that I don't have have to pre-read. I have a twelve weeks schedule on one sheet of paper (front and back). I feel like I can persuade him to do short handwriting and reading lessons, and so far I don’t even have to persuade him to do math. I like the idea that he’s learning from the literature and not from me. He can be pretty stubborn about learning from me! I like the simple approach to music – I feel like I can manage listening to four pieces by one composer over twelve weeks. Likewise with art appreciation – we can manage to look at some paintings over twelve weeks. I’m still a little overwhelmed by nature studies, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out soon. And that’s the only part that feels overwhelming – everything else feels surprisingly doable. (Of course, I'm leaving out some components of AO -- Bible, church history, and the nature parables.)

I love unschooling – it’s exciting to watch the kids figuring out what they need to do. But I feel like I can’t keep up. Last year P was fascinated with dates of birthdays and holidays, but it took a curriculum for me to suggest that he make a calendar. This year he’s fascinated by history, and the AO curriculum will help me feed that hunger. It takes little enough time, and it gives him fuel for his projects and imagination, and plenty of free time to follow his inclinations. I feel it is the best of both worlds. I think he needs some outside inputs in order to figure out what interests him! But I guess I can’t say we’re unschooling – so we’re eclectic! As someone on a list I’m on said, no one will ever tell you you aren’t eclectic enough!

I’ve thought about whether I need a plan for my four-year old this year, and have decided against it. I’ll do my best to do projects with him, but he will be unschooled for preschool! Unfortunately, he’s not interested in listening to stories during the day (although it’s an important part of his bedtime routine). Next year is soon enough to see where he is with letters, and the year after we can do a little work on reading.

Today was the first day of school in our town, and although we’ve already started with AO, I still felt as though I was measuring up. The day has gone well. We’re on about week three of AO. Today I read a bird story from the Burgess book, P did a few pages of Singapore math, we did three pages of Tanglewood Education Really Reading (33 page phonics program from Tanglewood Education). He did some writing on his own, so I didn’t add handwriting. We made play dough (mostly with the younger two, but P helped, too). He and his four-year old brother had a great time making a fort in the rain. He also did some sort of craft project that I was completely uninvolved in. Add some computer and TV, some other playing, and that’s been our day. I’m pretty happy with it.

Links to my homeschool posts

http://everydaybest.blogspot.com/2005/02/homeschooling.html

http://everydaybest.blogspot.com/2005_03_01_everydaybest_archive.html

http://everydaybest.blogspot.com/2005/05/to-curriculum-or-not.htm

http://everydaybest.blogspot.com/2005/07/thoughts-and-arguments.html

http://everydaybest.blogspot.com/2005/07/more-on-curriculum.html

http://everydaybest.blogspot.com/2005/09/watching-learning-happening_27.html

http://everydaybest.blogspot.com/2005/11/some-more-learning.html

Using a PDA to organize homemaking

This is very domestic, but it's what I've been working on lately. I actually wrote this in 2003.


So far I've found one product that meets some of my needs -- that's HandyShopper, which works great for shopping lists and other lists. So far I've used it for a packing list, a running wish list (with categories like bedroom, kitchen, and people's names) and a list of books to buy or borrow. For those applications the ability to store prices is useful. In my opinion hs is good for lists that you want to categorize, and keep prices for. And it's fabulous for shopping lists. I imagine that other shopping list apps are comparable.

I haven't yet found a way that I'm happy with to keep track of housework. I'd like an application that reminded me of daily, weekly,monthly, one-time, and occasional tasks, and allows me to choose whether to record the date the task was completed. For instance I don't need to know when I did morning dishes, but I might want to know I flipped the mattress (and which way it was flipped, too). I'm experimenting with Redo, and somewhere I saw a reference to an application that puts completed todo items into datebook, but I can't remember what it was. It's entirely possible that Datebk5 has this and I'm missing it.

Another thing I'd like to do is menu planning. I'm a little rough on my planning, but it works for me. I plan meals without firm days, so at the very least I'd like an application where it's easy to change the date for a meal. I'd really like to be able to store lists of dishes and apply them to days. Ideally, I would also keep easily updateable lists of meals in the freezer --and as long as we're at it, why not a total freezer inventory.

Another thing I'd like to be able to do is review our finances on my PDA. At $40 Pocket Quicken is a bit steep, but the ability to sync with Quicken is undeniably a plus. I'm still poking around to see what's out there.


A little later . . .
I came up with a solution I think will work for me for housework. I'm using a combination of Diddlebug, Redo with the Todo list, and Datebk5. For chores for which I want to record completion dates in the calendar, I use db5 floating and repeating events. I like that I have the choice of scheduling a chore for the same day every week, or a certain amount of time after I actually complete it and mark it as complete. I use Redo with the Todo list to add chores to the Todo list that I like to be reminded of and be able to check them off when they're done,but that don't need to be stored in the calendar. Redo adds items to the list on the day that they're due. I use Diddlebug for popup reminders that I neither check off nor store in the calendar. My What's for Dinner reminder is a repeating reminder in Diddlebug. I also like Diddlebug as a timer for chores or whatever.
I'm still looking for a menu planning solution. A db5 solution would be fine. I know that some people don't like to clutter up their calendar, but I think it works better for me to have everything in one place. If I figure out filters and whatever other features, I can probably have views that focus what's listed. I wish I could find a version of the db5 manual that I could put on my PDA.

More than time slots I need categories for each day --say for chores, meals, and appointments. With my kids being 1 and 3 we rarely have more than 1 or 2 appointments in a day.

The other big feature that I could use is the ability to store lists and add them to the calendar at will. I could store chore lists, clients who may need work done, and menus in this way. I'm going to look into using the db5 and address integration this way, but it seems a shame to clutter up my address book with other types of entries. I may end up using handyshopper for menu planning. It is a good app to hold lists of things that may or may not be needed right now. Too bad it doesn't integrate with db.

Planning, To Dos, etc.

I'm messing around this week with way to keep on task. I've been using my PDA for a couple of years, but I'm off and on with it -- as I might be with any solution, to tell the truth. I'm on my third Sony Clie SJ20 -- an affordable solution at about $50 used/reconditioned/whatever. I have one with a cracked screen, one that won't charge, and one with a worn out digitizer. So I moved a good battery into the one that wouldn't charge, and I'm using that for the time being. I'm also eyeing these.

I've been using DateBk5 as my planner. I use it more for to dos than for scheduling. But I don't love the way it handles repeating tasks. Somehow, they are set to repeat, but when I check the repeat status of a repeating item, it says None. I don't get that. Maybe only the initial item stores the repeat info. I'm evaluating Life Balance right now, but I'm coming to the conclusion that it isn't close enough to what I want -- especially for the price. I'm not sure that the contexts idea works for me -- I don't really have different contexts. I mostly do my kids and the house, and I fit in my hobbies when I can find an opportunity. And my work is usually one thing at a time, not projects with many steps plus phone calls on the side. And I'm not crazy about the mixed up to do list -- too fiddly to get it in an order that actually makes sense to me. But I do really like the outline approach -- I like it a lot, and I wish I could have my To Do list at the top of Datebk5 in outline form that I could expand and collapse. I would probably use top categories of Errands, Chores, Projects, Money, Hobbies, and Homeschooling. I would like to be able to list chores in outline mode -- sometimes I do just fine with housework -- other times I need a reminder (what do I do each morning? each week?). A collapsible outline would be great. So I may look at outline software for my pda like Bonsai and Arranger. Note Studio has some GTD (Getting Things Done) fans, but I don't get it at all. And it's tempting to spend time messing and evaluating rather than actually doing the things on my To Do list!

I have the following categories of things I like to remind myself to do: chores (repeating), calendar items (some repeating, some not), projects, ongoing goals/projects, and homeschooling topics. What works well for all but chores is a sheet of paper in landscape mode. The top has the days of the week listed, with a column for each day split into three parts (morning, afternoon, and evening). Into that I put appointments. At the bottom of the page I have three columns for things I'm working on for the week: Projects (like chapters I need to revise, items I want to sew, errands I need to run), ongoing goals that require some thought (potty training, evaluating financial newsletters/memberships, gathering things to sell at a yard sale), and topics that seem to be of interest to my kids (or that I want to introduce to them). I very much like planning for a week, and the result is a manageable piece of paper with goals that seem doable. And I've noticed that I get a lot of what I put on that paper done within the week. I'm not sure that the approach makes a difference, though, or if I would have done everything anyway.


I struggle with how much of a record of what I've done I need to keep. I have a strong urge to keep a trail, but I know from experience that I rarely look at that. And I very seldom need it -- not for chores, that's for sure. Occasionally it's interesting as a way to remember where I was and the kind of things I was doing. So for now, I have a small datebook that I keep notes in -- kind of a keyword journal, since it's not big enough for full sentences. I particularly use it for homeschooling topics, activities we've done, etc., even though I don't need to report until next year. I think the urge to journal my life is about a need to feel that I'm really here doing something useful -- I'm not sure that journaling actually helps me achieve that goal. Hubris.

Making money?

I've been thinking lately about making some money. It feels like we need it, and in doing our taxes I realized that our income has fallen in the last few years because I've been working and earning less, while our expenditures have definitely risen due to the house and the kids. When I had one kid I worked a fair amount from home as a technical writer. With two kids I still worked some. I worked on a book about Microsoft Access when the kids were one and three. I had a nanny one day a week (who fabulously did all my laundry), and a sitter two afternoons a week, and worked during naps as well. That seemed to work. That was my last big project. I have another project coming online now (revising the same book).

To do technical writing work I need to have a sitter and some uninterrupted time. Although I've had regular teenage sitters for years, I don't have one right now, which turns out to be a problem. I get stressed looking for babysitting options. It's mostly about me -- the kids are almost always fine with whatever I find for them. This week they've been out two days, once with grandma (who I paid for sitting, for the first time ever) and once with a friend (I had her kids the next day).

I've also thought about doing work that I can do around my kids. I've made and sold a few mei tai baby carriers. This week I dyed about 70 playsilks for friends and acquaintances. One thing I've learned is that the prices people charge for both of these items are, in fact, about right. I can undercut them, sure, but I wouldn't want to for the long haul. I've never sold anything before, and there's a lot involved in finding the seller and following through with the deal, not to mention having any necessary documentation or whatever is needed. I've also been thinking about what it would be like to do baby care for someone who was working part-time, and how much I could expect to get for that (and if I could ask for payment in cash).

My ideal job is technical writing (or editing), at my fair but relatively modest consulting rate for about five hours a week. Seriously. But finding that amount of work is somewhat challenging! Ah well, put it out there, and who know what will happen . . . .

Birthday traditions

My two youngest had birthday’s this month. My second son turned four at the beginning of the month, and my baby turned two last week. For Evan’s birthday I took the older two boys “cellar shopping” – that is, we went into the cellar to look at all the toys down there to find some things to give Evan for his birthday. It was, as far as I’m concerned, hugely successful. The older boys got a chance to be more active in gift giving that usual, since I’m leery of letting them loose in a store only to shoot down everything they choose (“too expensive,” “too complicated,” etc.). They could choose pretty much anything. They could pick something for themselves, if they wanted to. And Evan was thrilled with his gifts, which he never remembered seeing before. There was nothing he needed, but not having presents, even for a two-year old, didn’t feel right to me, and the older kids wouldn’t have let me get away with that!

I struggle with birthday traditions – I never feel that I’m doing enough. Starting this year, we have a birthday scavenger hunt first thing in the morning, with a present or two along the way and at the end. Then the birthday child gets some special preferences during the day (these are not well defined!). And they get to pick what we have for dinner. We have a birthday outing near the birthday (the March birthdays were combined into one outing, to the Boston Children’s Museum). The party is multi-generational, with one set of grandparents, aunt, cousin, a local family we're friends with, and our neighbor. We don't include a lot of other children. I’m not sure if we’ll be able to keep excluding friends forever but it works for now. I'm totally stressed out by birthday parties, so I need to keep it simple!

At home with an intellectual life

I enjoy Half Changed World, but this week Elizabeth posted a comment from a reader criticizing at-home parents. To be honest, reading it made my stomach lurch. If it meant nothing to me, I suppose I could have let it roll off me with the internal comment that Amy's insecurities cause her to criticize what she cannot manage to do (or something of that sort). But of course, it is a challenge to have an intellectual life while raising children full-time. I am insecure about my claim to an intellectual life – always have been, even before I had kids and that must contribute to my reaction to Amy's comment.

I commented at Half Changed World:
Next week I will start my sixth year of stay-at-home motherhood. I have three boys – figuring-out-the-world five and eleven-twelfths, figuring out his moving-into-boyhood-self three-and-a-half, and learning-how-to-talk and how-everything-works nineteen months. I do not feel that I am in a multiyear desert. In fact, I feel that I have grown considerably in my time as a SAHM. I am a better person – more patient, more able to see that little actions can add up to big changes, more thoughtful about personal relationships, more knowledgeable about how the world works for real people, and with more ideas about how to make it work better. I have fabulous smart and thoughtful friends, most of whom are also stay-at-home parents. I know that staying at home can be difficult for some people, but it isn’t for everyone. Some have found/created/tapped into wonderful communities of like-minded people who nurture each-other’s spiritual and intellectual growth in the time they can find for each other.

All that is true. Paradoxically, I think it has become easier for me over time (and as more children joined our family) – perhaps it's all about managing expectations. I think a lot of my feelings can be influenced for the better by managing my expectations. I just wish my husband had some energy for that! But there is also frustration in my life – it comes and goes. Yesterday morning the two smaller kids were up early and I muttered "stupid kids" which is something I would hate to hear coming out of my husband's mouth. Sometimes I feel frustrated at my lack of career, usually when I've been reading an alumnae publication of some sort. But generally I like this life, feel lucky to have it, and don't see making any big changes any time soon.

The arguments that others have touched on about an intellectual life being overrated touch a chord with me. I think there is a great opportunity for spiritual growth in parenthood. I think of all those spiritual writers who discuss finding yourself in the everyday tasks of doing dishes, gardening, baking bread. Of course, those who are identified as spiritual do it without interruption. We who parent have the larger challenge of doing those tasks with constant interruptions. But I am absolutely convinced that there is personal and spiritual growth to be found in that kind of life. I’ll even claim to have found a little of it.

I’ll speak in a classist way here, for those who have a choice, but I believe that there are some people whose work is important, and outweighs the needs of their children. I don’t think that anything I do falls into that category, and so the most important thing I can do is raise children who can make the world a better place. I think I can do that best by being with them, and by giving them the opportunity to learn without being in school. I hope they have revolutionary ideas about improving the world. And I hope I will work alongside them to implement them.

P.S. You know what? Forget all this and go read The Mommy Chronicles.

Watching learning happening

I made notes for this post a few weeks ago when homeschooling felt great. Now, when it doesn't feel so successful, I need the post, so here it is!

It's been a pleasure watching my children learn lately. Parker (5)learned to ride a two wheeler after announcing suddenly on a Friday that he wanted to take his training wheels off. I did (hmm, maybe I should have let him do it), and two days later after some practice balancing for a day, and a few encouraging words from Daddy he was off, giving himself challenges (like, ride to the neighbors driveway and back to ours without putting his feet down). We played a writing game, which he took off with, figuring out phonetic spellings for the word he wanted to use. When I corrected his spelling he told me "Mom, you know it really irritates me when you do that." So I stopped. We've been reading about pilgrims in anticipation of a trip to Plimouth Plantation (which was unfortunately postponed). We've also been reading about sharks, including a book from the Scientists in the Field series, which I recommend. It is advanced for him, but he likes it, and I'm sure is learning more than I know from our read-aloud sessions. He's also been playing math games on the computer and asking for more.

Mason (3) is growing, too. He hasn't loved swim lessons, and I told him he didn't have to take them. He loves the water, though. We were at the pool for Parker's lesson, and Mason was jumping off the side to me. He would tell me exactly where he wanted me for his level of learning (closer, no -- farther away). I was impressed that he knew what he needed. His brother teaches him a little about letters, and he asks for more occasionally. He chooses number books to help him learn his numbers (a favorite at our house is Counting Our Way to Maine.

However, last week was very busy. On five days in a row we saw homeschooling friends. Tuesday was a mom's finance meeting, Wednesday I took care of two other homeschooling kids and we all went to gymnastics class, Thursday our regular homeschooling group day, Friday a mushroom hike, and Saturday a mushroom lab for the "older" (five and up) kids. It was too much. My house is a mess, and I'm not seeing the independent learning happening. I'm also not very happy with the Oak Meadow curriculum. My kinder review is that it isn't a good match for my child. My less kind review is that there isn't much to it, and the fairy tales aren't engaging. A while back I asked Parker to write a page of As. He looked at me as if I was crazy, and then we had a great time playing a word (writing) game. Much more relevant to him. At any rate, I was hoping OM would help me create an environment for child-led learning, but it isn't working. I'm trolling around a little, trying to figure out what I'd like to bring into the house next, yet very aware that I shelled out for OM, and I should be a little bit careful what else I buy. I have a (borrowed) copy of Five in a Row which I peruse. I like it, and I love the list of good books, but it also feels a little light to me.

But although I'm not convinced things are going well, Parker seems very happy. He doesn't mention going to Kindergarten, even when he talks to his friend about it. He wasn't affected by my less-than-perfect mood yesterday, and spent the day building cushion castles with his brothers. Today, although he didn't want me to read to him, he spent lots of time creating new and different (but symmetrical) weapons with duplo blocks. When I asked him how many chicken nuggets he would have left if he gave Evan two of his ten, he told me. Although he won't read a book, he shows evidence over and over of being able to read two syllable words. I have to tell myself over and over that he is where he needs to be. That if he needed to go into Kindergarten or even first grade, he would be at grade level.

Well, my first course of action is to clean the house up and re-evaluate what we have that might be of interest. I also need to be more careful about getting too busy, which will be difficult.

Educating women

I’m sure I’m not the only educated woman at home with my kids who has a blog, but I don’t read more than a handful of blogs, so I haven’t read other responses from people like me to the NY Times Article about Yale women planning not to have careers.

So here are some of my thoughts (and my husband’s) – I’m sure someone else has said it better.

First of all, nearly all college educations are not like vocational training. Instead, and education teaches you how to learn. Very few people have a job that exactly utilizes their degree – I didn’t, even when I was working, and my husband doesn’t either, and of course, I don’t now, as a stay-at-home mom. But I use my ability to learn constantly. I read about education and parenting, and provide plenty of information about how the world works. I love reading and learning and I (mostly unconsciously) model that for my kids.

In the past, women have made up a large, unpaid, community workforce, doing volunteer work. I’m not a big volunteer, but I am working on a library committee that is currently working to get a new library or a library addition built. I can’t say I’m exactly using my education, but I’d really like to reject that argument as completely irrelevant, since most people don’t exactly use their educations in their jobs. The committee members do need to be politically savvy, able to deal with finance issues, how to work with town government, architects, accountants, and other professionals. Like any job dealing with professionals, it is useful to speak the same language, and tossing around a credential of sorts or two won't hurt the working relationship any.

There are no guarantees that women will find husbands who also buy into their idea of having a single-income family, or that circumstances won’t require that they work (divorce, for instance, or death of their husband). A good education increases your ability to get a good job, and therefore increases the possibility of working part-time to make the money the family needs. In my own case, I’ve been able to work part-time from home for consulting rates since I’ve had my kids, which is the best of both worlds, as far as I’m concerned.

I think the women interviewed in the article are so young that they don’t have a vision of what they might do after their kids are grown. Perhaps they won’t need or want to work then, either, but if they do, they will have credentials to use.

I would hate to see higher education be lost as a choice for women. I loved getting my degrees (well, at least to some extent). I met fabulous people, I learned tons, I came out of my shell in a way that I’m not sure would have happened in any other venue. Of course, I also met my husband while in college, but that is another story. It’s not like ROTC, where they pay and you owe, is it? Or am I somehow wrong?

Gulf reconstruction contracts awarded

I just listened to a Marketplace piece telling how many, many gulf reconstruction projects have already been awarded -- to firms who have been in Washington lobbying to get them. And many of the firms have ties to Bush through campaign contributions. Well, (imagine the sarcasm dripping here) isn't that a good idea.

And how exactly is the area to recover the economy is not revived? What an opportunity to revive the economy and fight poverty (mainly throughout the suspect trickle down effect, but in New Orleans, anything would help) through awarding contracts to local firms who pay local and state taxes, who hire local professionals and workers, who live and shop in the area. But no. Instead the contracts are awarded in a no bid process, before gulf companies even have their feet back under them. And the people and companies benefiting from these contracts will not be living in the area, but instead will be spending their new income elsewhere. Describing it as the last nail in the coffin is the wrong imagery. It's more like walking away from the body of a person who perished unnoticed, without any effort being made to save them, and stepping on them on the way out to reach the jewelry hanging in a tree, put there by the flood.

My only hope is that it will change the political course of this country toward a more progressive model where we take care of all Americans and maybe even others, too.

FEMA's firefighters

Our friends who are firefighters who went to work for FEMA are still waiting for a posting. They flew to Atlanta on Thursday, went to training on Friday and Saturday, and today (Monday) are still waiting for a posting. Very frustrating for hardworking people who left many commitments behind to help those who desperately need it.

2 links

First, I was horrified to read this article about hurricane survivors being turned back at a bridge by surburban police who shot over their heads, reportedly used helicopters to blow down their shelters, and confiscated their food and water. I found the article through Bitch PhD. Today I saw a recap of the article in my local paper, with a New York Times byline. So again blogs are influencing the news (I hypothosize). Hmm, I see the article is now online at Socialist Worker. I first saw it posted at EMSNetwork.org.

Secondly, I saw a suggestion at Half Changed World to write about what we're doing for Katrina survivors. I gave some $$ to the UUA-UUSC Gulf Coast Relief Fund. I also just volunteered to coordinate a clothing and etceteras drive for our local La Leche League. We will ship our collected items to a group in Mississippi, who are reportedly ready to receive, sort, and distribute them. I'm a bit nervous about the shipping part -- I know how expensive that can be. I'm hoping we can get subsidized somehow, or maybe even find someone willing to drive a truck for us to Mississippi. My husband didn't think our chances were good for that, but -- why not?

Katrina's babies

I caught the end of a news piece about one of the babies born during or in the aftermath of Katrina and was horrified to see the baby being fed a bottle. I am less of a rabid lactivist than I was when my first was born (and I had a heck of a time breastfeeding him, but that's another story). I'm more understanding now about the choices people make.

However, that said, I think that the health of these babies absolutely requires that they have a steady and sterile supply of breastmilk. There is no telling what conditions these babies will be living in. They may not have reliable supplies of clean water or formula. Those are the conditions under which breastfeeding is clearly safer, and where formula fed babies can face illness and death as a direct result of their feeding method. Will someone please tell anyone delivering babies near the Gulf coast to inform new mothers of the realities of their feeding choices and to encourage in any way possible that these mothers breast feed their babies? I want to tread carefully around the idea that the medical community controls or should control how babies are fed, since I believe strongly in parental choice/informed consent for a variety of medical issues. But I do believe that the medical community has a strong influence on how new mothers feed their babies, and that simply offering "breast or formula" to new mothers in the hurricane-struck area is negligent at least, and shows considerable lack of regard for the future health of the newborn.

Katrina's aftermath

I have been watching, reading, and listening to the coverage of Katrina's aftermath, and I am deeply affected. I feel some kind of survivor guilt, I think. I am shorter tempered with my kids than usual, because I think they should understand how lucky they are to have a house and food and water, and therefore they should not squabble with each other. Yeah, right.

At eleven one night my husband emerged from reading the web and asked if he could go to the gulf coast for up to 30 days as part of a program with FEMA to mobilize firefighters. I asked if he was serious and then said yes, as long as he understood this would be our contribution and not just his. He already knew that -- I shouldn't have worried. It looks as if he will not go, at least not in the next month. Instead our town's only two full-time fire fighters will go – the chief and a firefighter/EMT – and my husband will be acting Chief while they are gone. He is trying to get his company to give him two half days a week to tend to fire department paperwork and inspections. The chief leave his family of six kids (one just started college) behind in the able hands of his wife, whose reaction was apparently similar to mine.

I don't know if I will talk to the two men who are going before they leave, or if my advice would be welcome or new to them, but I would tell them two things: one, they need to take care of themselves so that they don't become other people who need help – they need to eat and drink and sleep well, even when people around them have severe needs. The other thing I would tell them is to believe that they are making a difference, because it can be so hard to see when the problem is so large and the work that a single person (or a team of two) can do is so small. Chipping away at a problem does make a difference. Under difficult circumstances it may be all you can do, but if you do enough of it you will see a difference.

My heart goes out to people who have had to leave their homes behind. I'm very concerned about what their lives will be like in the immediate future. I see pictures of the Astrodome, and I know that I could manage there alone for awhile, but that it would be very, very difficult with my three children. I can't even keep them from running around the library! And how can you get your life going again from a refugee camp? There is no opportunity for any sort of employment or entrepreneurship, as far as I know. These people need to be where they can start to feel that they have a purpose. Presumably there will be reconstruction work starting soon in the Gulf Coast area that will jumpstart the local economy. Can able refugees find work as laborers? Is that an unreasonable idea? They won't be able to do that from Texas. Can shelters be created in the devastated areas so that people can work in reconstruction and provide services to those who are coming in? I hope that somewhere someone is working on a plan for the Katrina refugees who need the shelters that includes opportunities for work and a life that is more than sitting on a cot all day long. This great country should have more to offer than that.

Thoughts and Arguments

Today was my last day to return the Oak Meadow Curriculum for a full refund. I didn’t for a bunch of reasons. One reason is the reason I got it in the first place – I’m not confident about being able to take frequent trips to the library to follow interests. That reason was bolstered this week when we did go to the library, and all the kids wanted was videos. The videos are right at the bottom of the stairs as we go to the children’s room, so it can be hard to get them past the videos to the books. Then, at home, there were many tears over the videos – when to watch them, who gets to choose, etc. And two days later we’ve barely touched the books.

As I worked on deciding whether to keep or return, I went to reread the introductory material in the Oak Meadow curriculum, and read the following in the preface:

“. . . each subject should be presented in a natural, informal manner, so that the child does not feel forced into the activity, but rather becomes involved because it sparks something within him. . . . we feel the best approach is to integrate the recommendations concerning stories, notebooks, poems, music, etc., into the natural flow of daily activities, so the child doesn’t learn to make a distinction between “school” and “live.” In this way, the child gradually develops the attitude that expanding one’s knowledge and capabilities is part of the process of life, and indeed is what life is all about.”

This is very close to my own (untested) philosophy, and I hope that the Oak Meadow material can work as my “enriched environment” for a relaxed, child-led, almost-unschooling approach. I also liked the part of the preface about "continually striving to unfold the potential within yourself so that you can respond more deeply and spontaneously to your child. . . . It is never the techniques you have learned through the years that cause a child to develop his capabilities. Rather it is the strength of your being, the light of your understanding, and the love you have for him as a fellow being that draws the latent spark of individuality within him into active manifestation." I am looking for good support around that striving, whether IRL, or in the form of an online list. I know that I will not find it with the unschooling list I had a run in with this week!

As I’ve said before, I find unschooling attractive. It is the main competition to the Oak Meadow curriculum. However, I have my suspicions that it’s not as simple as many make it sound. I suspect that some unschooling parents (although probably not all), have a mental (or even paper) list of topics they’d like to see the kids cover, and do quite a lot do direct their attention to those topics. I love the idea of child-led learning, and I hope that is what homeschooling will look like in our house,

And then there was my run-in on an unschooling list. Radical unschoolers seem to be quite intolerant – their way is the right way, and anything else isn’t good enough. They seem to be argumentative and have no problem criticizing other list members with copious quoting (of other posts). As for the run-in, I posted about a housekeeping matter – said that I (sometimes) tell the kids that if they don’t pick their stuff up I will put it in the cellar or the trash. I didn’t use many qualifiers, and in fact, I probably pull that only a few times a year. I was called creepy, and other negative assumptions were drawn (for instance, that I throw away projects and much loved items). On the one hand I was somewhat convinced to rethink this tactic. But on the other hand I was so upset by the episode that it has affected my parenting in the past few days in a negative way. Being “yelled” at makes me defensive and angry, not thoughtful and compliant. I could never share a parenting problem with this list for fear of being harshly judged. It’s not even correct to state it as a fear – it’s just a fact – I would be harshly judged. My main argument with unschoolers is that they don’t accord adults the same that they do their children. Children can find their own way to learn; adults must be browbeaten to do it the radical unschooling way. As I said in a post, people who bend over backward to allow their children to learn in their own way, at their own pace, the topic of interest to them, do not accord other parents seeking to guide their family into adulthood the same respect and latitude. That disconnect makes me suspicious of the whole philosophy. I also take issue with the extremism, and the absolutism of it – you can’t unschool halfway – it’s all or nothing. I want to read more about unschooling, but for now I may stick with articles and books, and avoid online groups/lists/boards.

I haven’t yet found a list with members with similar parenting philosophies to mine that I can ask for homeschooling and parenting support, and now that I’m keeping the curriculum, it’s probably too much to ask that I find a tolerant unschooling list. I would love to find a gentle parenting list where I can discuss my parenting issues in relative “safety.”

More on curriculum

I'm still struggling with the decision of how to approach homeschooling next year. I ordered the Oak Meadow curriculum recently to take advantage of their June sale. My thinking was that although I am interested in unschooling, I am not confident in my ability to get the library and otherwise follow up on Parker's interests, and I wanted to have some materials on hand. I'm still evaluating the curriculum, and I have nothing against it, but my thinking is turning back to unschooling for the following reasons:

* I have three kids, and I think a less structured routine might suit the whole family better. I hope to read to them everyday, and discuss a little with each child what is of interest to them. I'm looking at the Five in a Row book as a guideline of how to use that method, and also as a starter booklist. With a less structured approach I can have a music day, and art day, and outside day (as a rough routine) that will suit all three kids in some way.

* I think I might be able to spend $250 better – that is, in a way that is more likely to be used regularly by Parker. I can buy books that he is interested in – those are the books that are likely to push him over the edge into reading, not the books that I or someone else think he should be reading.

* Parker is not always a compliant child, and I'm not at all confident that I can say "Hey, come check this out" and he will. I think the unschooling idea of parent as mentor and guide would be better for our relationship than the model of teacher and student.

It's funny that I feel defensive about even thinking about using a curriculum. Intellegent people whom I admire unschool, yet I lack confidence in our ablity to do it effectively. On the other hand, if I want to do it, kindergarten is clearly the time to try – we are not accountable, Parker is already nearly at first grade level, and if it works it will give me the confidence to go on – if it doesn't, I haven't lost much.

Communicating differently

I’ve totally lost the train of thought I had in the shower. A mother’s life is constantly interrupted – I lose my train of thought, my momentum, my keys . . .

I want to make some changes in the way I communicate. This is prompted by two things.

I have been reading The Wonder of Boys. While I can understand this book’s mixed reviews (in fact, I’m kind of relieved to see them), I do think it makes some interesting points. Boys and girls are usually different – as a mother around young children, I can see that. Sure, some boys are more sensitive, and some girls are more aggressive, but I do believe that there are generally biological differences in behavior. It makes me a bit of an alien in my own home, with a husband and three sons. Gurian says that men do not hear as well as women. That was interesting. One of my hot buttons is feeling that I’m not being listened to – it makes me crazy.

The other thing that happened was two nights ago, when our five-year old was at a friends for a sleepover I was snuggling my three-year old and telling him that he makes me happy. He said “And Parker makes you mad.” Well, that’s not exactly what he said, because he mixed up his words some, but I’m pretty sure that’s what he meant. Yikes! That’s not what I want my kids to think! And I don’t want any of us to live each day thinking that my five-year old makes me mad just by existing.

I want to use this as a springboard to change my communication style. I think it will make life more comfortable for my guys and also for me. If I can limit what I say, and say it clearly, they can hear it, and I can feel that I am heard. I tend to say things quietly, to walk around while I am talking, to think out loud, to go off on tangents, and I criticize my five-year old liberally. I see him shrink back sometimes at what I say. I have to change. He’ll be telling me something and I’ll respond, followed immediately by telling him he needs to do something I just noticed (like put his shoes away). I’d like to reread my handouts on nonviolent communication – their framework seems complicated, but maybe it’s worth a try.

Often my problem is that my thoughts aren’t clear, and it feels that the world will pass me by if I take the time to figure out what I need to say. I know that this will happen with some of my friends who fill up every quiet millisecond (very bright, and very talkative). With my family, I feel like the moment passes and they’re not interested in whatever it was I needed to say, that I’ve only just figured out. I’m not sure how to figure out what I think more quickly. I’m pretty sure that native stupidity is not the problem! Maybe I need to always know what action I want my listener to take. I’m working on letting silence do its work – I know that if I can keep quiet, I often am given gems from my family members – particularly my husband. However, I don’t know that they are doing the same work! Overall, I’m feeling pretty frustrated, but I hope I can make some changes:

* More silence: just because I think it doesn’t mean I have to say it.

* Criticize less: I believe what many authors say – good behavior comes from feeling right. I need to help my kids feel right by cutting the criticism, and hope that the good behavior follows.

* Speak more clearly: speak up, and speak on one message at a time. Make eye contact, don’t multitask when I’m speaking.

And hopefully all this can come from a relaxed and happy Mama.

Pottery vs. Ultimate Frisbee

I finished up my pottery class and didn't sign up for another session because we (that is, me and my husband) decided to try to play ultimate frisbee this summer. I really enjoyed my pottery class – I found it very engrossing and a good break – I hardly thought (or worried) about home at all. Although class ended last month, I just picked up my glazed stuff last Friday. I'm really happy with it – glazing can be tricky, and often people are happy with a piece until they glaze and fire it, and then it is disappointing. I got some good advice on which glazes are reliably good, and I have some beautiful things. I'm hoping to do another class in the fall – many Christmas gifts this year may be mugs, bowls, and other pieces of pottery!

My husband and I used to play Ultimate (please don't assume that we're any good at it) before kids, and even a little after the first arrived. Parker didn't enjoy watching me run up and down a field, and didn't really understand the idea of an invisible line that he wasn't supposed to cross, so I didn't get much playing time. However, at about 20 months old he could throw a frisbee better than I could – really, I'm not kidding. It didn't go far, but he could throw it to the same place over and over again.

Now, at five, he does understand about that invisible line that he's not supposed to cross, and he and the three-year old enjoy going to practice. We take a picnic dinner for them (in my civilized Longaberger basket, no less), and they play with eachother and climb on us when we're on the sidelines. The baby is less enthusiastic, but he does fine. And our team is fabulous about helping out if it's needed (i.e. dragging the baby off the field).

Necessity is the Mother . . .

We got an escrow analysis this week that informed us that our morgage payment is increasing by $400/month. We put an addition on our house last year, so we expected our taxes to rise, which they have, but not by $4800/year. I need to call the bank to find out why the discrepancy, but, unfortunately, I don't think there's necessarily been a mistake – I think it has to do with the way escrow for taxes and insurance works.

Like most households, we don't have an extra $400/month laying around. My husband recently changed his witholding to get more each month and less of a tax refund, so that will help (and I was so excited about having a little more buffer every month – so much for that). So this has forced me (or given me the opportunity) to think about how to earn some money. It's been interesting. I think that taking care of three kids and running a house is a lot of work. But for the most part I choose how to do it, when (or if) I'm going to do certain housekeeping tasks, and I'm not supervised or critiqued.

The idea of having to work gets me a little down, and reminds me to count my blessings. I've worked in the past as a technical writer. I do a little here and there for former clients – it adds up to a few hours a month, if that. I wrote part of a book about two years ago – I had a nanny one day a week (who did my laundry in addition to taking care of the kids), and a babysitter two afternoons, and somehow I got a fair amount of work done. I haven't done anything that intensive since. It's hard to write or edit in small spurts.

I'm thinking about sewing baby carriers, which I can do in small spurts. There is some home sewing which seems to generate a profit –unlike sewing cloth diapers, which seems like a lot of hard work for not much money, unless you happen to be the next big thing in which case you have more work that you really want to do while caring for small children.

I'm also exploring part-time technical writing work. The baby is 14-months now (and needs me a little less), and summer is coming up (with more babysitter availablity), so maybe I could land a fabulous 20-hour/week contract job for three months and make the extra money we need for the whole year.

Complicating the situation is the fact that my husband doesn't like his job and would really like a new one. So we talk a little about whether I should get a job and let him quit. It's not really what I want, and he's not pushing it. I probably couldn't earn as much as he does if I took a salaried job. I probably could if I worked as a contractor, but that's risky. And I think it would be a tough lifestyle to be out working and then come home and be Mommy. Lots of people do it, I know, but if we have the choice not to, I'd rather not.

To Curriculum or Not?

As the reality of homeschooling comes nearer I've been toying with buying a curriculum. I know I said I'm attracted to unschooling (and I still am), but I'm worried about my ability to get to the library and find age-appropriate material on a topic of interest before that interest disappears. I like the idea of having some resources on hand –in a box, even. I like the idea of having reading material for both me and him. I like the idea of being able to tell the skeptical that we are using a curriculum. I don't envision following it day by day, just as using it as a springboard. I'm close to buying the Oak Meadow first grade curriculum. The Kindergarten set looks too basic for Parker – it covers capital letters and numbers 1 through 10. He's past that. I like that Oak Meadow recommends teaching recorder and knitting (it's Waldorf based). Anyway, I'm still thinking about it. I'm very excited though, and when I read Parker about the list of science topics, and told him it was the first grade curriculum, he just lit up.

Going S l o w

We've been busy lately. Fortunately, the baby seems to have gotten over the stage where he cries when you walk across the room without picking him up -- that was really a drag.

I've also been tired lately. It could be because I have three little kids and never get an uninterrupted night's sleep. It could also be because I'm hypothyroid. I was diagnosed back in November as slightly hypothyroid (TSH of 3 point something). I didn’t have many symptoms except fatigue, which can be explained in other ways. I had lost a lot of hair in the first few months postpartum, but seemed to be over that. I declined medication at that point because I hate the idea of everyday medication, and because my TSH was pretty borderline. The doctor and I hoped that it was postpartum hypothyroidism, and that it would improve.

At the baby's one-year checkup I had another blood test. I thought I was feeling pretty well, and was hopeful that the results would show an improvement. I didn't hear back from doctor’s office, and four or five weeks later, when I had been tired for a week or so, I called the office talked to a nurse who looked up my test result and told me that my TSH had worsened (to 5 point something). After another few weeks of being tired and wrestling with the medication decision, I decided to get my prescription filled. I’ve been on a generic version Synthroid for a week and a half, and I’m not feeling noticeably better yet (I hear it often takes a few weeks to have an effect).

So, as you may have guessed, there’s a rant or two coming. First, why the heck didn’t my doctor’s office call me? The doctor still hasn’t called – I need to call in to tell her that I started the Synthroid. Secondly, what is killing our thyroids? Synthroid is the most prescribed medication; 40% of the population is estimated to be hypothyroid (many undiagnosed). I may yet explore alternative treatments – I have an appointment with a holistic MD in August. I’m willing to see a naturopath or a doctor of Chinese medicine – however, I’d like to feel that the treatment is likely to work before I throw my money into it. And third, what's with this –
Doctor: Your thyroid is low. Here's a prescription for medication you'll need to take for the rest of your life.
Me: Is there any way to encourage my thyroid to work better?
Doctor: Not as far as I know.
End of discussion. We also did not discuss why my thyroid might be broken. This symtomatic approach to fixing ailments drives me crazy. Why can't we figure out why things go wrong and figure out how to fix that? I often think that if we knew exactly how to eat (and it would be different for each individual) we could improve many of our health issues. (I know there are books on this, and I haven't read any of them. ) But there's not a lot of money in that, and there's plenty of money in pharmaceuticals.

It's been quite a journey to decide to fill the prescription. As a friend noted, it's a self-image thing – I'm not a sick person, I'm not one of those people who takes drugs. On forms that require you to list medications, I haven't had to write down anything since I went off the pill back in 1998. That has changed. Bummer.

Parent arrested for tress passing at school

http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2005/04/29/arrested_father_had_point_to_make/

This is an article about a man arrested for trespassing at his son's school. He wanted to be informed when same-sex marriage was discussed in his son's kindergarten class, so that he could take him out of school.

I don't agree with this man's politics, but I'm very disturbed that a parent can be arrested for trespassing where their child goes to school. No where in the article does it make it sound as thought this man was a threat. Public school is generally far from transparent, and I certainly believe that parents should know what their kids are learning, and have the right to edit and enrich as they think appropriate.